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Girl You Met On A Hike Doesn’t Actually Want To Hike With You Sometime

Oh, man! You blew it! It’s been 5 hours and she hasn’t texted you back!

You were really making some changes in your life too, huh?

A new low-carb diet, drinking at least 2 gallons of water a day and downloading the AllTrails app so you could motivate yourself to hike around Tucson at least twice a week. How could she!?

You even shelled out $200 for those funky hiking toe shoes: the dingly toe insert things that help with dexterity and make you look like a pro with finger toes! What an idiot! What good are all-terrain toe shoes if you can’t even land a coffee date!? Bummer, dude. Now you’re going to spend all night basking in the glow of your laptop screen and glancing over at those dirty toe shoes in the corner wondering what could have been. Your glutes are burning with the same fire that used to illuminate all the hopes you had for the future. They warned you about snakes in Sabino Canyon, but what they didn’t tell you is that the biggest snake would be you! Just slithering away from the clutches of love and desire.

Did you stand weird or stutter while conversing with her? No, not possible. Were you too sweaty? Just modest sweat, plus you were wearing some sporty scented deodorant. What defines a ‘sporty scent’ anyway?

You both seemed to be keeping things fun and casual, remember? She was taking a selfie with a saguaro as you toe-shoed by acting like you didn’t divert your path ten minutes prior to align with her path while taking intermittent nature appreciation breaks to not surpass her too soon.

You simply acted like you weren’t out of breath when you actually were and then you asked her if she wanted you to take a photo for her beside the beautiful saguaro cactus. She said she was “fine” and then you told her that the Carnegiea gigantea can grow 50 feet tall and live for hundreds of years! She said “the what?” and you repeated “Carnegiea gigantea” with an unnecessary Spanish accent.

You think she laughed but it could have just been a noisy smile. You don’t remember. You do remember saying to her “hey give me your number”, though! You sly dog. She must have been stunned by the bravado because she told you some numbers and you acted like you didn’t care while plugging them into your phone. Then you said “we should go hiking sometime” as you twinkled your rubber toes in delight. She said “MMMhmm, yeah for sure” and then started scrolling on her phone while looking around for some reason.

You coughed because you took a sip of water and it went down the wrong tube and then asked for her name in a distraught gaspy voice and she must have thought you said something else because she just kept scrolling.

When you got to your car, you sat there for 20 minutes while drafting a text and then waited until you got home to send it: “Hey! It’s the guy with the toe-shoes. We should go hiking sometime!”

It’s been 5 hours. Part of you wonders if you should go back and see if she got trapped between some rocks like in that James Franco movie. But a part of you knows she doesn’t deserve a sigma male. Whatever, it’s time to go home, drink a Fanta and punch some drywall.


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